Several years ago, my daughter went through a difficult season. As I looked for ways to help and encourage her, I came across one of Oprah’s SuperSoul podcast sessions where her guest discussed the anatomy of trust. During the interview, Brené Brown offered the acronym BRAVING as a convenient way to remember the list of behaviors that, in her professional opinion, lead to trust building: boundaries, reliability, accountability, vault, integrity, non-judgment, and generosity. She defined generosity as the decision to extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others. Because my risk‑averse personality wants me to prepare for the worst and wait to be proven wrong this new definition of generosity felt counter-intuitive. Still, I decided to incorporate generosity into every aspect of my life. The desire to become radically generous challenged me to believe the best about every person and situation and focus my attention on what validated this assumption.
I had conversations with trusted friends and mentors, inviting them to share with me what they believed about this new idea and what they saw about my capacity to be generous. To my surprise, my generosity index seemed to be directly proportional to the level of intimacy I experienced in the relationship — being generous towards my daughter or my sister was certainly easier than being generous towards the angry client that called to discuss a problem. I also discovered that I often blurred the line between generosity and responsibility to myself and to others. One of my biggest challenges in leadership was having difficult conversations about underperformance as I feared I would be perceived as critical, judgmental, or unkind. I believed that being generous meant I had to avoid addressing the proverbial elephant in the room to spare others from feeling uncomfortable. As I reflected on BRAVING, I understood that generosity and responsibility are not mutually exclusive. I can hold others accountable to their commitments and obligations andbelieve the best about them and their intentions, words, and actions. After this realization, I re-examined my roles as a parent and as a leader and began aligning my duty to be responsible with my goal of becoming radically generous. How did I do this? One word. Curiosity.
I define curiosity as the process of challenging my assumptions by asking questions, actively listening, embracing differences of opinion, and ultimately reflecting on what I’ve learned. My goal is simple: to understand others. In his book The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever, Michael Bungay Stanier proposes that there are seven essential questions that change the way we lead others and help those we lead unlock their full potential. They are the kickstart question, the awe question, the focus question, the foundation question, the lazy question, the strategic question, and the learning question. Inspired by Stainer’s ideas, I’ve adopted the habit of asking questions — such as the ones I list below — to use curiosity (understanding others) as a pathway to generosity (believing the best or extending the most generous interpretation).
- What’s on your mind?
- Did someone say that? Or is this something you’re concerned about?
- What does that mean to you?
- Would you say more about that?
- I think I heard you say… Am I understanding you correctly?
- What is your biggest challenge right now?
- What do you hope this will accomplish?
- What is one thing you can do to move towards resolution?
- How can I help you?
Practicing generosity has not come without its challenges. When the stakes are high or there’s pressure to perform, I find it harder to be curious and therefore generous. But while practice does not make perfect, practice makes permanent. As I exercise my generosity muscles, I increase my capacity to lead authentically and strengthen the relationships I’ve built along the journey. My commitment to living generously has also had a positive impact my daughter and my relationship with her. Now an independent young woman, she makes a difference in the life of every pet (and pet owner) that comes to the clinic where she works as a veterinary technician. Our communication, trust, and bond have grown in beautiful ways.
What would be the impact on your life, career, and relationships if you decided to practice radical generosity?